[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
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youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.