Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
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8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
This took me a second..
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
is this how new cars are made??
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
The human personality is made of five key elements
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.