5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
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Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
I’m dying louder than usual today.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is