Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
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Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.