I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
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A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.