tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
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BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out