Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
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All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.