A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
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For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals