It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
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I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.