Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
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I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.