I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
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Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.