I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
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*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.