Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
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how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped