Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
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Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.