Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
You Might Also Like
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.