This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
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how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Not today
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.