Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
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Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.