imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
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Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
incredible book dedication
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools