A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
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Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what