Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
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I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
not seeing the problem
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded