Bootstraps
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[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine鈥檚. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn鈥檛 smoke
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don鈥檛 know babe u tell me
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.馃榿
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It鈥檚 always like bam, there鈥檚 a snail
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after