Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
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A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets