“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
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My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
so, is there a mister shapen head
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol