If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
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me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
This did not end as expected.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here