I don’t understand what’s happening here.
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[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”