One venti cheeseburger please.
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Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
That earthquake could have been an email.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Would you wear it?
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation