If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
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The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Ha
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.