I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
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my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I didn’t come here to be called names
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.