The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
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In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
i now pronounce you bounced.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato