My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
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[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever