I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
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Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
when mom throws a party…
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.