Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
You Might Also Like
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
October already? What’s next? November????
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN