I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
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The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.