Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
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My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
*mops up wine with cat*
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*