These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
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The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Who’s your best friend?
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.