You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
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When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.