Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
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How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said