Name this drama.
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That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.