*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
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*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.