me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
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My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job