it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
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4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Sharon I have some bad news
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.