I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
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You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
what day is it?
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*