Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
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Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself