horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
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ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.