[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
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Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.