The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
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the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.