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When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.