Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
You Might Also Like
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork