I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
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[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
🍞🦆
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.