Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
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One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what